Monday, 24 January 2011

[Restaurant - Pakistani] Destiny, it was found Kheer; Mirch Massala of Ealing

Location - Southall, London [UK]

To be entirely stereotypical and bluntly ignorant, being of a Half-Mauritian nationality, of which I draw a 1/8th Indian [Sikh to be precise] descent, I have also had a draw to the flavours of the East, and spicy food, as obviously it is a genetic quality to like such food. Blatently. Lots of spice. Always spice. Even for breakfast. Sometimes. Spicety spice. Do not actually know where I'm going with this.

Anyway, Huzaifah and his family are plainly aware of this, as I bored/amused them to tears recently with my obsession for trying out new restaurants, and my apparently "Undesi-" pronounciation of the dishes of note. So, I was delighted to have been invited out to a Pakistani restaurant for the Sunday, hoping to at least be able to tick a few of the foods I've wanted to try for the last few hundred hours of my life. And Huzaifah's oldest sibling would also have been contented with her obsession of Pakistani men, it was basically a win win dinnerial [Trademark] situation.

Much concern was placed on the destination of this restaurant, for fear that I may have been too much of a "cracker" for this place as I apparently would have stuck out for using cutlery. Obviously in a light-hearted manner, though I know he was worried. I just had to remind him that I am an 1/8th prepared, and have the predisposition of burying my face in food, so, I would stick out, but for other reasons.

What greeted us was a large chain-type restaurant, packed, and serving kebabs. Yay. I've only had kebabs 5 quadrillion times having lived in Saudi, fun. I am assured they were good. I assured them I was not inspired. And so it went on. Unfortunately. I had no idea whatsoever what was written on the menu. So. I was basically left helpless. Blast! Apart from a particular dish in the dessert menu. I think the title gives ample indication. I literally did not care for anything else to be ordered other than my Destiny, which is why I begrudgingly let a girl order the food for me. So, to Destiny, and beyond!

~ Starter ~
- Jeera Chicken wings [I think? The Cumin ones]

I started out with a bit of trepidation, fearing, perhaps in blissful ignorance - a bit of a running theme with me - that this restaurant may end up like the other typical "South Asian" eateries I have sampled in the UK, that is to say, about as Asian as Charwoods. I need not have worried. These chicken wings had flavour, plenty! And hold on, they actually had some heat. This was verified by the flames dancing around Huzaifah's face from the spontaneous combustion of his mouth. I cannot specifically remember many of the flavours, despite this dinner taking place only about 14 hours ago, but it was a good and promising start. I am not defending myself, but I only had one wing. And I was in a coma after dessert anyway.

~ Main Course ~
- Naan

What can be said about Naan, it's just bread. And if you just agreed, slap yourself. Naan is never just bread, heathen! And kheer...err, here. It was quite lovely - light, fluffy, incendiary, and difficult to avoid consuming in industrial quantities. You try saying that about Hovis bread.

And that is all we had for mains. Never let girls order food for you.

Ok. I lie.

- Lamb Kofta [I think] Kebabs

The main draw for Huzaifah's sister, apart from waiters, were the kebabs, which she exclaimed to be amazing here, and much to my attempted ignorance and stereotyping of kebabs, I sampled one. Erm. Wow. What? Why have I eaten my hand? A new dimension of "finger-licking". Ok, it's just a kebab but it was quite rightly delicious - crystal clear coriander permeating through the lamb, which was plenty moist, but not greasy, it was quite a special kebab. Nice amount of heat, again verified by the warmth on the side of my cheek from Huzaifah's flaming head. I stand corrected. However, bring me to my dessert. ONWARDS.

- Some Paneer thing

I have always been intrigued by paneer, predominantly for its proliferation in the Western world as of late, leading me to believe it must be about as intensely flavoured as water to be able to be so widely accepted amongst a populus that seems to have a skewed reality on what South Asian food really entails. This was bolstered by Huz's claim that paneer is basically Tofu. JOY! And so it would turn out actually - not having a flavour perse', but an oddly pleasant, gummy texture. The accompanying sauce was mild, and quite nice, mixing the sweetness of the peas with the paneer's 'ness. Get me to my dessert.

- A lamb curry, maybe Karahi, no idea

No idea what curry this was but in was generally satisfying - perhaps a bit mild, but full of large and juicy pieces of lamb. Nothing remarkable in terms of the spice utilised, so it was probably a mild selection to give Huzaifah some respite, his face was starting to char after all.

~ Dessert ~
- Kheer

It was ok. That is all.

Ok, short of dancing on the table with a pot of dessert in declaration of my love for it, I do not think many desserts have been this difficult to contain my excitement for. It. Was. EPINS. For those not in the know, that is an Epic Win. A win of many Epics. So on and so forth. My initial disappointment for receiving a dessert in a coleslaw pot was dashed within the 0.24 seconds it took my taste buds to react to this rice-based Crack. So decadently creamy, to the point it tasted like the mascarpone cream mix my mother makes for Tiramisu', z0mg. It was actually amazing and I think I ate part of the pot.

I literally, could have eaten a billion pots. Ok. I hate to exaggerate. Give or take one or two. To pass this off as "Rice Pudding", is insanity. I was rendered incapacitated, just wondering what the hell had transpired. So much so I ordered another dessert. Spurred by Huz's sister. Damn her.

- Mango Kulfi

No idea why I ordered a second dessert, I guess I needed to clear my palette for fear of my face imploding trying to suck out every last nuance of the Kheer. This was a nice ice-cream though, Huz's smaller sibling obviously, and fortunately, painted an incorrect picture for me. I asked for a modernist Rembrandt, and she gave me an Post-Modernist Abstract. *Sigh*

She also exclaimed Kulfi to be a clotted cream ice-cream, but what I found was a very delicate ice-cream, I do not think it was home-made but it was still delectable. And abundant. And I could taste it for the rest of the evening. Not enough so to keep my mind off the Kheer though......


I apologise. I was staring at the word "Kheer" attempting to telekinetically taste it. It did not work.

~ Drinks ~
- Passion Fruit Juice

I had no idea fresh juice could be drawn from a fruit that has as much fleshy substance as Keira Knightly, but, you learn something new. Quite nice and refreshing and gladly devoid of the AIDS causing sweetness of the commercial "Derived from 100% Concentrated Pure Industrial Glucose" variants.


Overall, this was a place defined by the Kheer. I shall talk of nothing other than the Kheer. I AM OF THE KHEER. That's Kheer, not Queer. Though actually for Kheer, anything would be done. Where is my Kheer? It's not KHEER, and that, is a travesty.

Ok. Re-establish some sanity. Hold on, I have to impress no-one, I WANT KHEER.

The rest of the Dinnerial experience [Hah! Ok, I'll stop using that word now] was a welcome surprise as well. Suffice to say, these sorts of restaurants would not be full of locals, were it one of your Charwood-grade Authentic experiences. Even though the Mango Chutney was obviously from the aforementioned jar. It is certainly not an elegant dining outlet but to pretend that a place has to be in order for the food to be of a certain quality is perhaps pretentious, and to me is of no actual concern. And obviously I am right because I just blogged it and therefore my opinion counts and it is important. :(

However, this dinner remains a tainted one. How can I enjoy anything else now without my kheer? Or will I have to be brought back down to reality? I've said it before, I'll say it again, Tie'!

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